Get Smart (Bum script)
Announcer: And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Get Smart." Chester: OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! There's this guy called Maxwell Smart. Who looks an awful lot like the guy from "The Office." And he has all sorts of gadgets! Like a special pocket knife, a special belt buckle and a shoe that he can talk to! I used to talk to my shoes! But we're not on speaking terms anymore. And there's this woman named 99. Though, she's a perfect 10 in my book. I mean it! She is SO attractive! I feel so bad that she married that gay cowboy in "Brokeback Mountain." She deserves so much better! Like, I could be her ideal man! She'd be like, "Are you a cowboy?" "No." "Are you gay?" "No!" "Okay, let's have sex." HOORAY! And somebody told me that there was a rock in it. But all I saw was this guy who looked like a wrestler who liked to raise his eyebrow a lot. *Mimics* And there's this guy who's in a tree. I'm not kidding! A man who's actually in a tree! I was in a tree once! But I'm renovating it now. So, the spies are out to stop the evil Ziegfried! I knew it! I knew that magician was no good! What was he training those white tigers for anyway? Aside from gay sex. And they find all these nuclear weapons that are hidden in a bakery. That's why we could never find the weapons of mass destruction! They were hidden in bakeries! That's probably where Osama Bin Laden is hiding too! He's probably staked out in a Panera Bread! And they all have to fight this huge, giant guy! I mean it! He is HUGE! It's like if Andre the Giant and Lurch had a lovechild! That they fed steroids to every day! While stretching him! So, Maxwell Smart and 99 have to stop this concert hall from blowing up. Which is probably not a good idea. Next week I hear they're doing Philip Glass. Let it burn. So, there's this car chase! A plane chase! And a train chase! All at the same time! It's like if Michael Bay directed "Planes, Trains and Automobiles!" So, Maxwell Smart is fighting The Rock. I guess he's between a rock and a hard place. But I digress. And in the middle of the battle, they kiss each other! I mean it! They actually kiss each other! Where else can you see Steve Carell and The Rock kiss each other? And I thought Ziegfried was up to no good! They should've called it "Gay Smart!" That would've been more appropriate! So, Maxwell Smart saves the day by tackling a conductor. Don't all great movies end that way? And then, you get to see his butt cheeks! What is up with this movie?! There's WAY too much manlove going on here! And at the end they're like, "You should become a secret agent!" And Maxwell Smart is like, "Nah, I'm going back to 'The Office.' Dwight'll miss me." And then, they play the classic "Get Smart" theme song! (singing) "Get Smart" is great! Ask him on a date! But he isn't gay! Sometimes, anyway! Kissed The Rock today! Guess that's okay! Wa-ay okaaayyy! (talking) Bet you didn't know I used to be a singer! But my career was more important. This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?? Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change! Well, can you at least pay for some singing lessons? What's that David Archulata got that I ain't got?!